Hope(lessly hopeful)

today is a sad day indeed.

the one and only Gerard "the Pwetty Fish" Way was slaughtered by another homophobic fish that will now not be given a name, for he doesn't deserve it.

rest in peace, Gerard, the only fish i have ever truly loved.

(here's the story:

my dad came home with a bunch of fish and said that i could have one, and to name one for my mama. i named my mama's Frank, and mine Gerard. well, Frank died and Gerard lived. since then he has been swimming emo-ly in a corner of the fish tank and being tortured by the other, not as cute, fish.

well, a couple days ago, he came home with like, $30 worth of fish, and i told him that if Gerard died because of his greed, i would pay him back in a painfully unimaginable way.

Gerard was murdered today at an indiscernible time.)

signing off,
Hope(lessly hopeful)

they're putting down my grandmother's dog.

i going to miss her so much.

i'm not even getting to say goodbye.

the phone rang when i was writing this and it was my gram. she was crying and telling me how and where they were going to bury Maggie. and as soon as i got off the phone i started sobbing. i'm going to miss her so much. she was so full of life. it shit like this, the most wonderful of dogs getting cancer, that makes me know there isn't any god.

signing off,
Hope(lessly hopeless)

lately, i've been thinking a lot about death. i've been sort of obsessed with death since i was little. i used to act out death scenes in my room with my best friend, long dramatic love scenes that ended in him kissing my cheek, and saying he loved me.

i was always the one to die.

even now, i'll have to go out to my dad's shed, my grandmother's garage and a thought of death will pop into my head. "what if a spider jumps at me, i scream and it goes down my throat?"

"what if an escaped convict is in there, waiting for someone to kill."

"what if i fall into a portal leading into an alternate universe where human's are slaves to demons or monkeys or something even more horrible."

some of my death scenes don't exactly make sense.

but my most common death scene is that i get shot. it doesn't matter where or why, but i wake up, either from daydream or nightmare, in a sweat. i feel the rivets of sweat and think it's blood.

i'm kinda a weird fuck.

signing off,
Hope(lessly hopeful)